a fortune cookie that i opened on my birthday dinner said to tie up loose ends.
if that’s not an omen, i’m not sure what is. regardless, i’ve been doing just
in the meantime, my car decided to die so there’s the unwelcome repair bill and
the lack of vehicle for the past couple days, which, in reality, is a welcome
change. my average use of the car is to go to work or to a supermarket (which
i’ve documented here
the result of which is that i don’t see a purpose to me having a car.
especially since most my life is spent on the computer. sigh, but we must have our
societal trappings and this is an automobile forward culture.
i’ve also been eyeballing the amount of splenda that i put in my tea lately.
since i pour it out of a huge bag this results in copious amounts of the stuff
in my cup. i have yet to decide whether this is good or bad.
I made a thing but don’t want to talk about it yet.
long time no update, had a show, etc.
pushing work now into a new direction. more later.
it's like i'm supposed to
give a fuck
about the work
i'm forced into doing
because i was a fool
and went off
at art school
i filmed a music video today. the video is uploading as we speak. i also did
ebay starbucks straws auction
i hate vapid, meaningless corporate gestures. everything is akin to the useless
celebrity apology for “misspeaking”.
somewhere in the darkness between last night and tonight a vision came before
me. it was about people and their work–the type of work that ends when the
person doing it ends.
this work, i’ve decided, is the person’s burden of nonsense.
it’s work that wouldn’t be done for any other reason than the person is driven
to do it because of love, compulsion, insanity, etc. but it’s also work that
tears them away from the normal mode of living through escapism–watching
endless hours of tv or social media or whatever.
this work, however, can be a form of escapism but is different in that it
provides escape for only one person - the worker - whereas tv provides escape
for the millions who are currently watching a program.
it’s also work because it compels the person to continue at it in spite of
wanting to do something else. this text, for instance, because i’d much rather
be watching mindless reruns of the x-files than write this but, because of the
idea and because of my compulsion to push on through with this “project” of mine
here i sit writing away.
the above is the burden.
the nonsense is the futility of the results. the fact that the work won’t be
finished even after the death of the worker - it merely stops. a hard break
that forces the conclusions that might never have existed had the worker lived
another month or year to finish that one aspect.
the worker never sees the results of their work either. they get partial
glimpses but never the full scope. van gogh never saw his fame and yet he
worked and struggles with his nonsense out of passionate belief.
stripping away every hindrance to work comes at a price. one must embrace plain-speaking. direct words and action that cut to the quick of matters.
everything else is a waste of time.
i had a post in my head all day long and now, when i sit to write it, everything is blank.
i believe it to be something about the usefulness of programs nowadays and/or their redundancy - as seen by how many text editors exist. Because, seriously, there are a ton of them. as for me, i’ve been favoring atom lately as i find it smooth and quiet - but don’t ask me to explain either because they’re those feelings that just sorta exist and once you try to corner them with definitions they vanish.
but in terms of development i see no point in reinventing the wheel. for exploration, sure, go ahead and code your bubblesorts and what not. those are fine learning lessons. but, shoot, another app that is just like the 5 million other apps? gah.
which, i now remembered, brings me to Google Home and all the other like-minded devices. i made an app (Game of Nonsense) a while back and am working on my next one. it’s a nonsense question and answer quiz type thing but was mostly fun but i get bored easy.
i wanted to make one that was a choose your own adventure type quest but am lacking in the funds to deal with appengine fees for the moment–maybe soon. and as for my other ideas, well, it may require getting the band back together.
regardless, as long as business logic reigns supreme and we all use our tech to order ubers and pizza and what not i can’t fathom anything interesting happening.
For the past year I’ve been a student of desperation. It’s an amazing drive/emotion that has the power to completely kill rational thought.
As such, I’ve become very interested in the pay-to-play tactics of the modern internet. Facebook pages, Instagram for business, youtube, vimeo, 500px, the plethora of art/print-on-demand nonsense, etc. can fill your life with more hopelessness than you can imagine.
It’s all selling shovels and pick-axes to prospectors.
I wonder sometimes about the purpose of my life. Not for too long, mind you, because I’m certain that there is no overarching purpose. Nothing magnificent or overwhelming. There will be no heroic movie about my art making where I fling paint on a canvas while a cigarette dangles from my lips.
At best there will be a 30 minute clip of me bickering while playing games posted on youtube.
These types of certainties are disheartening to say the least.
However, isolation and insignificance drive me to one thing and one purpose - to figure myself out. How did I end up here? Why? and, to be grandiose, who am i?
Normally, I’d chalk this up to 21st century narcissism, however, I don’t fancy myself. I do the opposite. I loathe myself. If anything I recognize that my biggest failure is me. (which apparently is good ol’ fashioned narcissism after all)
So, I wander about in my memories–trying to trace the events that steered my course. Hoping, perhaps vainly, that I can at least provide a slight insight to fellow isolated wanderers - stay off this course. etc.